4 Notes to Myself When I Get Mad
We Don’t Just Get Angry…We Talk About It
The aftermath of a stroke is a battlefield and the angry feelings, even nearly five years after surviving, are daunting. The frustration, the impatience, and the unrelenting focus — these feelings often linger unspoken.
I HATE it when people take advantage of me.
Finish my sentences.
Act as if I’m invisible.
Say things like “You’re being unreasonable.”
Think I’m drunk.
When frustration or anger arises, I feel open and sensitive – completely vulnerable. As a coping mechanism, I have one of two automatic responses. I either withdraw, tucking my tail between my legs, or I start swinging.
Both are hopeless.
After drinking this wicked cocktail, usually spiked with aggression, I’m left stewing in the results of my (sometimes) bad behaviour. And, in response, shame can, and often does, set in as I grapple with the effects of my actions.
One of my favourite writers, Brené Brown, said, “Having the hard conversations is where the transformation happens.” I fully agree with her. Exposing my “hot buttons' ' – those seemingly little things that crawl under my skin and infect every inch of my soul, is not comfortable for me.
In the hopes of creating change, à la Brown, here it goes:
I know that my anger has caused pain, ripped away relationships and left scars. A gaggle of therapists, countless friends and acquaintances (and my very own sister) can attest to this. So, that leaves me considering the question, “Should I get mad or get even?”
But, an even better question is; “Is there another way?”
I, for one, think there is.
Here are my notes to myself when I get mad:
Walk Through - Know Your Triggers
It might sound crazy, stupid or unhelpful, but realising what sets you off in the first place is a real game changer.
The lack of control, when I’m sandwiched between a rock and a hard place, triggers a primal urge to claw, scratch, and fight my way out—an unbearable sensation! But knowing this, provides me with the opportunity to STOP! TAKE A DEEP BREATH! And consider my next move - hopefully with calmness and positivity.
If you want to help your loved one’s stroke recovery, foster a space where discussing their triggers feels natural and non judgemental. Gently encourage them to talk about past situations where they felt overwhelmed or angry.
This awareness, naming the triggers, is a powerful way to diffuse the situation in the future.
Walk Away - And (Stew!) Reflect
I cannot stand when someone treats me, or any member of my family unfairly. It enrages me! The audacity! But I have found that separating myself from the situation and placing time in between me and the circumstance which caused the frustration, is a refuge from the storm.
It is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to learn over the past 5 years. However, moving strategically out of the way, allows the nasty name-calling to take place only in my head and the anger to subside. It gives me the space and time to respond with clarity, rather than impulsively.
Encourage your loved one to establish a predetermined plan for stepping away when faced with one of their triggers. It is one the best (hardest!) ways to regroup and to respond thoughtfully.
Walk Along – What Were They Thinking?
I feel super small when someone’s criticism hits me. Ouch. Especially if the criticism hits close to any of my vulnerabilities. Double ouch. It makes me want to crawl up into a ball, dive under my covers and never come out.
Walking along necessitates acknowledging the sting when someone's actions or words trigger anger. It hurts! I think it’s important that we give ourselves time to lick our wounds. And then… consider what might be influencing their behaviour? Understanding their perspective, even if it doesn't excuse the actions, can help navigate the emotional impact.
For those supporting loved ones, it's crucial to give them time to cool down when they feel hurt or angered. Only then, dive into an open dialogue about what may be going on with the other person. Understanding why things happened can make it easier for everyone and it fosters empathy and understanding.
Walk In To – Your Passions
I am a big believer that everyone must follow their passions. A clear vision and purpose instils a sense of direction and hope – and can potentially reduce frustration and anger associated with uncertainty.
I love the creative process of writing. It takes me to a place of surprise each time. This outlet reduces the negative energy that I feel, allowing me to focus on what’s really important. My writing is necessary for me to propel positive change.
Urge your loved ones to explore their passions; it not only brings direction and purpose but also acts as a positive outlet, reducing frustration and negative energy. Following your passions is the only way to live a wholehearted life.
The angries affect each stroke survivor differently. For me, my emotional regulation disorder is just starting, with a huge amount of hard work, to regulate. Which means that I’m less of a social black sheep these days.
Of course there will be fallout from misdirected thoughts and words.