People who make me sparkle
Over the past week, I spent a whole lot of time by myself.
There weren’t any distractions, no social obligations.
I was truly focused on myself and my whims.
I tucked in to reading with a vengeance. I attacked books I’ve collected about my condition (internal carotid artery dissection) and biographies written by, what I can only call, stroke-heros.
It was as if I was desperately searching.
I spent an inordinate amount of time on Instagram, collecting stories of my fellow stroke survivours and relating to them with interest and wonderment.
Little by little I began to unravel a thread.
Something was crystallizing in my mind about people and, more specifically, the people who I’ve gotten to know more intimately thru, and because of, my stroke.
I began to formulate this theory about the people who you surround yourself with during a life-changing event. The doctors, family, friends or the people you meet along the way, generally tend to flow in these three categories.
The superfluous
I had a hard time, in the months following my stroke, to just let go of all the things that were competing for space in my brain. All of the projects, all of the social activities, all of the needs and wants of anyone other than myself were ending up in the back seat.
It’s not that I wanted to be anti-social, so why was I pushing people away?
It was just then that I realised that it wasn’t a push, I just couldn’t keep up with them and all of their stories and chatter.
I no longer had the energy to follow along with these extra people in my life. Aside from my family and my therapists, I had limited room for anybody else in my close circle.
Maybe it sounds unfriendly, but I had to give myself permission to focus my power and my spirit on me.
Thru no fault of their own, those extraneous people actually fell by the way side at this point in my life.
The Skeptics
You all know those people who just sit back, barely hiding their indignation, who just don’t understand. They are not prepared to give you, or your disabilities, a sideways glance.
They are poisonous, filling my head with doubts and causing me deep pain at the same time.
It is simple to say that these people are not worth my time. I know it. You know it.
I have to heal first, before dealing with those folks one at a time, with the space and love that only time bestows.
Truth be told, I have trouble finding peace with my cynics, those who have made my life harder than it should be. My stomach just turns in knots at the thought.
That’s why I have had to switch my focus to...
The Sparkly People
I had a friend for many years. We worked together. I was once invited to her house for dinner. She always made me laugh and I had the feeling that she was good.
However, that was as far as our relationship stretched. We were casual friends, who liked a drink and a chinwag.
I’m not sure if I believe in fate, but after my stroke, I bumped in to her.
Lucky punch for me, she was just what I needed. Her calmness, her spirit, were uplifting. Her patience, with me and my children, showed no boundaries. It was like she knew what I needed and was there just for me.
I found taking her dogs for long walks in the fresh mountain air, chatting away about nothing and anything to be easy and comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.
Summer evenings spent BBQ-ing up a storm, while the kids played with the dogs, gave me strength in ways that I doubt she will ever know.
I feel profoundly touched by our friendship.
She was sparkling, and more than that, she made me sparkle.
All along this journey, I have to believe that our sparkly people find us, lift us up and lavish us with the incredible gift of their spirit.
I was not looking for a sparkly person to enter in to my life, but I was open and willing to accept it.
As human beings who want to grow, it is incumbent on us to allow a person to flow between the superfluous, the skeptics and (my favourite) the sparkly people.
Until my stroke, I didn’t always recognise this. I was particularly shut down and would vehemently shut you out if you trampled on my heart. I’ve said it many times, but this stroke seems like a gift in this particular way.
The ability to let the people in my life weave their way in and out, at their own pace and to the beat of their own drums, makes perfect sense (now).
Johan once told me that he pictures the people in his life as if they are living in the same apartment building. And he is the boss, living on the penthouse level.
If his mate makes him angry, he can regulate him to the basement. But, if he does one good thing, he can work his way up to the first floor. And to the second. All the way until they’re partying with him at the penthouse once again.
I get that now.
With time, I hope to gain the energy to allow more people in to my life again, to include more in my inner circle.
As well, I will genuinely appreciate how much glitter the sparkly people brought in to my life, without holding a grudge if they slip.
What I’m anxious about, if I’m truly honest with you, is how I’m going to deal with the skeptics. I find this one more challenging than the rest.