Confessions of the remarkable day that changed my life forever
Phew, it’s been a long couple of weeks over here, on my side of the planet.
Maybe you’ve missed me over the past couple of months? Without me rabbiting on about one thing or another it was so quiet wasn’t it? Maybe you didn’t even know that I was “gone”? And just maybe you stumbled here, on my blog, for the first time. If so, welcome!
So, before I go further, I want to lay my cards on the table… and sit back, it’s a doozy.
About 10 weeks ago I suffered a stroke
My husband, who was unexpectedly and luckily home when it happened, thru a series of good decision making on his part, is the reason I am alive today.
Bear with me… because it’s messy times over here.
Since the second day following my stroke, when my first therapist came to greet me bedside, and in the countless hours, endless energy and a boatload of therapy later, I’ve realised that it is only the beginning of my recovery. Some say that the brain can take up to two years to mend its broken bits. (Oh my god!)
So, let me start with first things first.
Was I feeling particularly stressed out? No, not in the least. I had just been on an amazing holiday with my family. I had just settled into two classes, taught by women who I admire. I had the world at my feet. I was on a second wind, no call it “third wind”. I was trying and succeeding, to give this writing thing a proper chance. I was going to do this!
I was as perfectly relaxed as a mother of three in the centre of Tokyo could be.
How about my lifestyle? Was that a factor? It’s true that poor lifestyle decisions, such as heavy smoking, excessive drinking and bad diet, increase one’s chances for stroke.
Here’s the thing, I was playing tennis two to three times per week and taking pilates also two times per week. Lace that with a heavy dose of veggies and tofu, wash it all down with a glass or two of wine and you’re basically me.
Let’s say that my life was a little bit more “spoiled expat wife” than sex, drugs & rock-n-roll.
Did I have any other signs? Now that’s a funny question. Because hindsight, well you know what they say about hindsight, that ‘ole funny friend…
My stroke happened on a Wednesday. I remember it clearly. I was getting ready to meet Katja for coffee, before we went off to the PSA meeting. We were fighting for the Rooftop Project to come into fruition and it was going to be a big meeting!
But truth be told, I had not been feeling well since that Monday. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but in true Stacie form, I just got on with it.
I started my week out playing tennis - no better way than to hit the ball around to get out the cobwebs! I was pumped. We were just back from holidays, and I was so ready to find my groove. But then, a funny thing started happening. I started seeing spots where the ball should be??
My coach made me sit down on the bench for a moment, but I shrugged him off, insisting that my symptoms were simply due to the fact that I hadn’t eaten enough for breakfast (lie number one).
I went home and I didn't feel any better. I couldn't shake this sluggish, fuzzy feeling twirling around in my head.
I remember driving to the club that evening, with my kids in the car, with the principle goal to let them do their activities, do their homework and feed them so I could finally lay down in bed.
Tuesday was a big day… Lulu and Friso were going off to ski camp. I was nervous (would I get them back in one piece?) and excited for them (because they were sooooo eager) as I dropped them off. Luckily I had tennis to keep my mind busy. So after a quick coffee, I pegged it to the courts.
And guess what happened? Those funny spots were in my way again! This time, I didn't make a fuss, but carried on exercising. I told myself that it was strange by all means, but I just needed to have something to eat (lie number two). So I took mints from my pocket and carried on.
Afterwards, the funny feeling lingered. I convinced myself that taking a nap on the couch would suffice (lie number three). And you know? It was fine after that nap (lie number four).
It's funny how we tell ourselves little lies when we don't understand what's happening to our bodies. And this might have cost me my life.
Flash forward to that Wednesday, where one phase of my life ended and another, more complicated, tricky one, ended up in its place.
With only Squidge to chase that morning, I could have given my leg, which was feeling a bit numb, a few seconds of attention. I could have put two and two together… but that is not realistic, is it?
Here I am, a forty-six year old woman, with no real cause for alarm and, yet, I am about to have a stroke.
I would like to say that running through my mind were my kids (I have so many things that I want to tell them), my husband (my god, we had so many plans together) and the emergency number posted on the refrigerator (it is now, but it wasn't then) but actually what goes through your mind when you're knee-deep in having a stroke, is nothingness.
One minute I was asking Johan to take Cleo to the bus, while texting that I would be a little bit late (because I just needed to lay down) and the next moment I was looking at my phone, trying like mad to remember how the bloody thing worked and what I was trying to text anyway.
And then there was nothing.
What do I feel now?
Am I terrified?
Yes, I am completely and utterly terrified. There are days when the demons get to me, demons I can not control. And on those days I just have to push through, saying, “Excuse me demons, this my life, if you don't mind”.
Am I positivity laden down with the amount of work I have to do?
Hell yeah. Some days I just want to pull the covers over my head, instead of thinking of all the things, all the therapies, I have to go through that day.
Am I completely motivated to kick this stroke’s ass?
Yes, of course, don't you know me?
Am I mad…?
Now that's a great question. Never once have I felt angry about my stroke. I have accepted it as a part of me, one that I don't understand so often, one that brings me a little bit more complication than I know what to do with, but dare I say that I’m at one with it.
I'm not only not mad about it, but I'm giving myself the chance to learn from it. And in the end, I believe I will be a much stronger, wiser version of me.
Are you with me? Do you feel like taking this journey with me? A journey of all the things I learn and all the things I still cannot figure out?
Because, I would like to share this incredible experience with you. I need to share, without judgement, without getting caught up in what’s right or wrong, the good bits and the crappy bits.