You are a bi*ch and a bully
About 10 months after my stroke, I found myself in a very one-sided, heated argument with someone that I care deeply for, but someone who had hurt me immensely.
I knew that I should not pick up the phone when I saw her number appear. I knew that if I did, it would not go well. I was not in the right mind set.
I hadn't prepared for this phone call, as I had for the previous time we had spoken, months before.
I knew that.
So, I let voicemail kick-in the first time. And the second time. The third time, however, when I took the phone-call, it was like a car crash. We fell into the same old verbal routine, her with her superior, calm voice and me with my needy whine, cackling like a crow.
I knew that the words were coming more quickly than I could process them.
I knew that I should stop!
However, my damaged brain couldn’t stop the well of emotions from spouting out.
So, I let her have it. All of it. Without holding back. All of the hurt, the anger, came raging out. The words were spewing out faster than I could possibly catch them.
They were all true.
But, did they need to be said?
To her credit, she tried to placate me, but I had heard it all before. So, I didn’t back down.
To which, she responded with, ‘You are a bitch and a bully!’.
And then, she cut off all communication with me. (And my children!) I have not heard from her since.
Was I in the wrong?
Was it her?
Was she right?
Does it even matter?
That was 7 months ago and I feel the loss, significantly. Over time, I experienced a wide range of emotions, but anger was first and foremost in my heart. It encapsulated my being.
I suffered a stroke! How could she talk to me in such a way?!
Had she no compassion?
I pushed her, and every detail of that conversation, away, tucked deep inside my mind. The pain was so intense, I didn’t feel ready in the early days. There was so much to focus on already.
You have doctors and therapists to help you physically recover, but I have often wondered who helps your soul recover from its loss?
How do you go about the process of mending those broken pieces of the puzzle, those that, perhaps, needed fixing before?
There is no magical formula. I am finding that with all aspects of my recovery, if I don’t do the work, I cannot expect results.
Here are 7 steps that I am in the process of taking to mend the pieces of my soul:
Ask questions
It sounds simple, doesn’t it? However, only when I stopped feeling angry, could I allow myself to explore this very simple step.
I wake up from sleep thinking about her, can I make it right again? Do I want to? How do I pick up the pieces of something that went so horribly wrong and mend them?
With such thoughts I realised that I am ready to begin dealing with this complicated and messy area of my recovery.
Only after I let myself feel was I ready to probe a little bit deeper into what happened, both the words that were spoken and our history.
‘Is there something wrong with me?’, pops up many times in my thought process.
I am examining what I want from our relationship. Do I even want to reconstruct the relationship? What does it mean to have this person in my life, or not?
Find answers
Searching for answers, I find, is cathartic. It is like having a one-way conversation with your soul.
Do I want to reconstruct my relationship? I spend the days mulling that question over and over in my mind. I make mental notes here and there, and watch as my brain formulates her answers.
I don’t hurry the process. It will be done when I feel that I have fully explored all of my questions and found reasonable resolutions.
I find this truth-serum for the soul needs to brew and simmer until you have concocted the perfect solution.
Make a plan
Now that you have thought intentionally about your relationships, you have asked yourself tough questions and found the answers, it's time start thinking outward.
I intend to project myself in multiple situations with her, seeing it from all sides, while asking myself ‘how does it make me feel?’. Does it spark anger? Love? Friendship? Loyalty? Pity? Detachment?
I am going to give myself hypothetical options on how to deal with each and every situation. For instance, a) I walk or b) I stay and practice gratitude instead of righteousness.
With a brain injury, I find it so important to have considered a multitude of possibilities. There will always be that thing that throws you, but what’s important is that you give yourself this time and space to think outside the box.
Either way, you have theoretical decisions to make and a plan starts to brew inside your mind.
Take action
So, why does this scare me? It is not permanent. It can be readjusted daily.
It doesn’t reflect poorly on me. In fact, I have to believe that it does the opposite.
Taking action on a well-articulated plan is a culmination of hopes and wishes derived from your thoughts, from your perception of the other person’s stance, your experiences with that person and your own will.
Have faith and take action.
Regroup
All of the circumstances that I pictured myself in, ten to one, I bet most of them don’t happen.
But, because I did the work of conjuring them up, it is going to be easier to find new solutions to the inevitable problems that arise. This is precisely why it is of ultimate importance to have thought in detail.
When I hit a wall, I know that I should take a minute, without reacting, and find new footing.
Refine
Ask yourself ‘How did this happen in the first place?’
In order to grow, I need to readjust to this new normal, one where I cannot trust the first reactions of my brain and heart and, instead, give myself time.
Finding the answers is not preventative, but it does help your soul find the peace that it so covets.
Perhaps, this was a damaged relationship before my stroke. Or perhaps I was the culprit. Either way, to go thru this process is remarkably cleansing.
As I find myself recovering from this life changing event, finding my Stacie 2.0, I realise that I don’t have to have it all figured out.
What truly matters is that I create an openness in my mind, an emotional space in my soul and the room to grow both.
Today, I sat down to write a post about my dreams. What are they? Do I want my speech to improve? My children to grow up as happy, fulfilled, healthy adults? My table filled with friends and family at each holiday?
It struck me, before any of that, I am dreaming of the day when I can critically self-examine my relationships.
(And it would nice if she did the same.)