The Blame Game

Throughout my stroke recovery journey, aphasia has been my biggest enemy. Add to that, the reduced cognitive abilities and emotional regulation disorder that my brain is damaged with, it‘s no wonder that oftentimes I find myself on the edge of reason, chastising myself with my brutal inner voice.

It doesn’t matter what the offence is. I become equally mad about the small things, “I forgot my credit card.” I’m so stupid. Embarrassment overwhelms me. This cost me so much time. I don’t have the time to go back and get my credit card! My memory sucks. I’m an idiot. 

As with the bigger things, “Why did I holler at my children?” I’m so stupid. The guilt washes over me. 

Of course, I also did this before my stroke, but on this side of trauma and on the steep journey to find peace within, I ask myself what it would take to excuse me?

To my friends, I always give the advice “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” or “Speak to yourself, the way that you would to a friend.” As a mother, when my kids behave poorly, I let them know that I don’t like what they did, but I do love them. So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice? 

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? 

When we are in a vicious circle, spiralling towards the drain, it’s sometimes hard to separate our “misdeeds” from what makes us human, our identities. Sometimes, and especially when you have a brain injury, you might get sucked up in the blame game. 

I often berate myself for slip-ups, because I am trying to be perfect. A perfect woman would not forget her credit cards. But, we are all perfectly flawed human beings! And we all deserve compassion. 

I think it all starts with becoming aware of our negative self-talk… aware in a non-judgemental capacity. Just becoming more in tune with how you are treating yourself goes a long way. Awareness breeds a new perspective, breeds awareness. 

I am dedicated to unravelling the thread and grabbing on to the smallest sliver of hope. I hope the same for you.